December 12, 2011: 13 Days and Counting

My first hope for this blog, more than anything else, is that it can connect with those who are sober or not sober, trying to quit or completely content with their substance of choice. I do not condemn any of these lifestyles because to do so would be out of my place, and I don't have the ability to truly relate to anyone's life but my own.

Other than the goal I just mentioned, this blog has several purposes ranging from self-serving (giving myself concrete milestones of my sobriety), to creative (any chance to practice writing is a chance I should seize). As of now, I live in Lancaster, CA with an old friend of mine. I moved here 13 days ago to hopefully kick-start a revelation of sorts (looks like I might have already). This old friend also happens to be my old youth pastor, and that dynamic alone has led me into conversations that I wasn't quite expecting. I have delved into subjects such as death, self-worth, and (of course) my sobriety. Not exactly what I was expecting within my first two weeks.

The main difference between my life two weeks ago and my current day-to-day routine is sobriety. I am now 13 days sober, and although that doesn't sound like much to the most people, it's the most that I have acheived in a good long time. If I'm honest, I knew this would happen upon moving here for at least a short while (until I could find a reasonable dealer...). What I would have never guessed for myself is this: I am actually enjoying it. I do have urges, those incessant tugs deep in my concious to find some relief from the clarity, but they pass as soon as they arrive. I am starting to have emotions, thoughts, and sensations that I never had in my time abusing substances. I often times feel bored. I realize that this probably sounds like a negative, but the way I see it, the boredom provides a canvas of opportunities waiting to be filled where my habits once resided. I play more guitar, I read more often, and I find myself being forced to come up with something productive to do with my time. After these years of finding instant gratification in my drugs of choice, I am now realizing that there are senses of acheivement and euphoria that can be obtained in a non-synthetic manner. It's as if my mind has been reopened, and I now have the previously rare opportunity to fill it with something other than cheap, fake feelings of grandeur.

I realize that the path I have started on will be difficult, trying, and faltering (well, hopefully not faltering). However, unlike the path of substance abuse, I don't need to repave it every other day with $20-40 (perhaps I'm simply trying to save money. Drugs are freaking spendy). Whenever I have reached a time of revelation, a time of struggle, or a time of acheivement, you can bet that I will document it to the best of my ability on this blog. This way, whenever I feel the urge to find temporary relief through the vices I have taken up in my past, I can read back and see that there is a reason to the madness of kicking a few addictions at the same time. I guess what I'm saying is that I don't really need you to read this (but it would make me feel all giddy inside if you did). Your comments are always welcome from any perspective. You may happen to think that I am simply full of shit, and I can accept that.

Here's to another day of clarity.