Oh Yeah, I Forgot that Going Sober Really Sucks

Somehow in the euphoric state of finally kicking my old habits in the ass, I forgot that going sober is sort of a long term committment that typically isn't a cake walk (random question: what the hell is a cake walk?). As I rack up my days of sobriety, my body reminds me more constantly that it is really upset with my recent decisions. As I lay in bed, my mind racing, my thoughts nearly always focus around getting high. Don't get me wrong, I deeply appreciate and value my previous few weeks being sober. I do. However, sometimes I really, really want to get high.



Like, this high

I realize that this probably sounds discouraging, but it's just the nature of the beast. As much as my new life will open doors that I wouldn't be able to get to while doing drugs, the doors of my recent past are slowly coming off the hinges and deviously inviting me inside. Also, I am not going to be naive and tell myself that someday these temptations will simply drop to the wayside. I know that they won't. If they did, going sober wouldn't be as much of a painstaking ordeal as it is. Just ask anyone you know that has tried to go sober, and they'll finish their bong rip and let you know that I'm right.

My new room mate, Tim, talked to me today on this issue and raised some concerns about my future well being. He claimed that his worries for me come from the fact that although I have gone the past few weeks sober, it probably doesn't hurt that I am no longer in kahoots with my old friends and don't really have the access to drugs that I used to. At first, I wanted to be offended, but then I reminded myself that he was all but 100% correct. Starting a new chapter of my life in a new town filled with people I don't know is definitely helping the sobering up process, and if I'm honest, I honestly don't know what would happen if I were to be placed in a drug filled environment at this present moment. Not that Southern California isn't a drug filled environment, I just haven't gone out of my way to seek out the local drug dealers (and for my safety, I'll probably keep it that way).

What I'm trying to say is that I am reaching the phase in my walk towards sobriety that is filled with a lot of road bumps. I am coming to terms with the fact that I won't be able to stay in this safe haven forever. One day I will need to return to my hometown and face the people who were my greatest enablers (not that I blame them, they didn't exactly force free drugs on me). Will I be ready to face the demons of my past when that day comes? Here's my honest answer: I don't know yet. But somehow I think that accepting that fact is one of the milestones I've been trying to reach.